Is it unhumble to talk about a time when you've been humbled, do you think? Well, nuts. Either way, I have some things to say:
1. One awkward part of being an artist / introvert is having the urge, when talking to other people, to reference your own art or previous articulations, rather than just have a normal conversation. It's almost a form of deja vu, listening to someone talk about a topic you've maybe written an essay about, and having to restrain yourself from saying, "I've written an essay about that very thing!" Usually, only another artist can relate in that moment, but these references are something you manage seamlessly in your conversations, and I envy that about you.
All this is to say: I once wrote a blog post and included Rumi's poem "Dissolver of Sugar" that concludes with the line: I need more grace than I thought.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and how true it is, which brings me to lingering embarrassment about my response to your last Grizzly & Golden entry, about the pristinely talented Vampire Weekend. I feel like my reaction to your story about experiencing monkey mind was a little dismissive or know it all-y. Like, even though I haven't found meditation to be my thing for the past two years, and more prefer running and writing to sitting alone on a cushion in silence, I could have been more inclusive about the topic.
2. In June, The Atlantic published an article called The Secret to Being Both a Successful Writer and a Mother: Have Just One Kid. The article made my blood boil before I read a word, because it pictured Susan Sontag, Alice Walker, Margaret Atwood, and Joan Didion across the top, and at least two of those people make me want to throw up in my mouth if I think about them as role models. Therefore, Jane Smiley's entry in the comments section of that article made me inordinately happy. Here is what she wrote:
I am Jane Smiley. I have written 23 books. I won the Pulitzer Prize and the National Book Critics Circle Award. My last novel, Private Life, was named best novel of the year by the Atlantic in 2010. I have been short-listed for the Orange Prize (Horse Heaven). I have three children of my own and two stepchildren. The key is not having one child, it is living in a place where there is excellent daycare and a social world that allows fathers to have the time and the motivation to fully share in raising kids. Ames, Iowa, where I lived for many years was just such a place. I thank you, Iowa State University and the Ames Community Pre-School Center for enabling my career and my life as a mother.
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| Jane Smiley, knocking her bio pics out of the park. |
Remember when I thought being able to say, When I was young and knew Virginia Woolf would be the coolest thing ever? Perhaps, I am Jane Smiley. I have written 23 books, is a nice runner up.
I also love that Ames, Iowa is held up as a supportive locale for a woman's career. Take that, coastal cities!
I attended a leadership conference last week called the Women's Success Forum. (Naturally, Tim kept calling it my "Women's Victory Summit.") My favorite part of the Summit/Forum was seeing so many women who believe in being yourself in work and family. This Jane Smiley comment does the same thing for me. (Actually, it probably does a lot more for me than the 8 hours I spent in a conference center.) I'm not someone who always wanted a family, or even to work very much, if I'm being totally honest. But I want a family now and I am happy working my tail off career-wise at the same time.
I just want to do whatever I choose to do for my life, however I choose to do it. Maybe it's because of the women who have come before us, some famous, some not, but this thankfully feels possible. Do you agree?
xoxo
Kara
11/1/13
Oh, Kara, how I love this above post! (And not just because you threw me a compliment, a compliment, which, while I accept, I can't recall an example of! But, don't worry, I will take your word for it!)
1. Another awkward part of being an artist/introvert is not wanting to talk about an experience too much because you want to turn it into an essay and you fear that talking about it may somehow ruin what you have to say before you've properly said it. Specifically, this is how I feel about my 95-year-old grandma's recent weeklong visit.
2. You have more grace than you think you do. I did not feel like you responded to my monkey-mind post dismissively at all! Which brings me to the fact that I'm in my 31st week of pregnancy and seem to see everything in terms of becoming a parent in the next two months. As you know, I'm reading Bringing up Bébé, which I'm very much enjoying. I may feel differently about it once I have a kid or two, but right now, there are certain sections I'm very glad to be reading now. One of which is the section about the American mom that kept calling herself a bad mother. And how she said it so much, it almost seemed like a comfort to her. In short, I could see myself as that mother, the one who is constantly apologizing and feeling like she's doing things wrong. But what I'd rather be is the mom who, while she may not be doing everything the way she'd hoped, or perhaps with as much grace as she'd have liked, can stop the spiraling down, forgive herself for not living up to her expectations, and move on. (Which--to come full circle--I hope you don't take as me dismissing your feelings that you your post was dismissive. (Ha!) But do you see what I'm saying?)
3. Let's talk about Jane Smiley! Who knew that an Internet comment could be so awesome? And to answer your question: yes! I do think that because of the women who came before us, we have so much more freedom in the way we want to live our lives in terms of our careers and family life. However, your question immediately brought to mind this great interview Terry Gross recently did with Debora Spar, the president of Barnard College, in which Spar discusses the state of feminism today. Here's a quote:
Just pick up any magazine off the shelves: Women are expected to be beautiful and sexy and to revel in those things really from the time they're quite young to the time they're quite old. That expectation is just out there. It's in the ether; it's in the music we listen to; it's in the books we read. I think it's unrealistic to assume that just because a woman shows up in a business school or on a trading floor or for an internship that somehow those other pressures are going to go away. So women really are feeling the pressure to be hugely successful professionally, and really sexy and attractive, in addition to being good mothers and everything else.
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| Ms. Spar references this old ad campaign as one that "conveyed this image of this sort of effortless combination of work and motherhood and sexuality and professionalism and ease." |
I don't know about you, but I feel this pressure. I want to have this kid (uhm, I don't have a choice at this point), but I also don't want my relationship with my husband to change. I want to have this kid, but I also want to continue to have time to myself to write and go to yoga and be myself. I want to have this kid, but I also want to fit into my old jeans at some point in the near future, etc. etc. But realistically, I don't think this is all possible. In terms of Hollywood movie titles, something's gotta give. Right? I'm going to have to find a new normal. Right? I don't know! I guess I'll have to report back in a year or so.
In the mean time, however, I'm going to try and summon as much grace and forgiveness for my lack thereof as possible.
xoxo
Amelia
In the mean time, however, I'm going to try and summon as much grace and forgiveness for my lack thereof as possible.
xoxo
Amelia
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