I think the technical term for what I've been experiencing is monkey mind. Yep, that's it! I just looked it up and wikipedia tells me that it's a Buddhist term meaning: "unsettled; restless; capricious; whimsical; fanciful; inconstant; confused; indecisive; uncontrollable."
So, I just made myself listen to a guided meditation I used to do/listen to almost once a week. (Over a year ago now, I was trying really hard to make meditation a habit, but alas, it didn't stick. And so now, I go to it sporadically, you know, when I'm desperate for my mind to calm the EF down.)
I forget exactly how I came upon this grouping of guided meditations by Sharon Salzberg, but I did. I particularly like the breathing one and the metta meditation. I love her voice and subtle encouragements.
So I finished my metta meditation and then sat down to do some work. I put on the new Vampire Weekend album, which I love and which is very Buddhist-y itself. I suppose spiritual is a better word for it than Buddhist-y. But point being, if you listen to it from start to finish, I think you'll agree with me that the album is on an inward journey, a seeking, searching journey. For what exactly? I don't know. But I'm left with the impression that they're working it out through their music.
I bring all this up because I didn't used to love Vampire Weekend. I mean, I liked their music OK, but my adoration was held back as I was under the impression that they were a bunch of young privileged kids from Harvard who hadn't necessarily made it big on their own. This was basically coming from a place of jealousy (duh), a place of: I could do that too if I had the connections and money! (This is also, obviously(?), embarrassing to admit as I've never truly had ambitions to be a pop star, so my jealousy must have stemmed simply from all the recognition and critical reception they received at such a young age.)
One of the things I love about the guided metta meditation Ms. Salzberg does is that she repeats over and over again how, "all beings want to be happy." She tells me that though we may not understand or agree with other people, we can recognize that they too want to be happy. It's so simple and yet, it opens my heart right up.
Point being, I want to rid myself of this way of thinking, of this chip on my shoulder. 1. If I like the art, why should I need to like the artist? (And if I'm really going to cast judgment on the artist anyway, I should really at least do some proper investigation to see if my assumptions are even accurate.) 2. We can never really know what other people's experiences are, what they've had to endure to achieve their goals. And of course 3. We're all doing the best we can with what we were given, aren't we? All beings want to be happy. Particularly Mavis.
8/26/13
Dear Amelia,
1. Holy coincidence, batman. I was just journaling about meditation this morning, and got dressed for work afterwards listening to that very Vampire Weekend album. Freaking jinx already!
Do you want to know what I said about meditation? Of course you do!
2. Look, I wasn't going to quote from my journal on the internet today when I woke up, alright? It's just that, this seems to be a good time for it.
Ahem:
It's funny how judgmental we all are, and how aware of my mind I am. I can't say I fully transcend it - and I'm not sure I'm interested in meditation anymore. Is that bad? Should I tell anyone? Nah, but if people ask, I do. I have meditated, I have been to therapy, and I have analyzed myself ad nauseum. The biggest tool I find is being in the present moment: asking, what does this moment need, and attending to it.
3. Do you think I'm fooling myself? Should I be googling Sharon Salzberg and searching out a cushion right now??
4. I love what you have said about everyone wanting to be happy, about being upset with young, successful artists, and about everyone doing their very best at every moment. According to Garrison Keillor, a man named Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once said:
"If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."
I believe that's true. And you know what? You ARE a hit pop music star, Amelia. Just turn to the evidence, when haters raise their hands.
8/26/13
Dear Amelia,
1. Holy coincidence, batman. I was just journaling about meditation this morning, and got dressed for work afterwards listening to that very Vampire Weekend album. Freaking jinx already!
Do you want to know what I said about meditation? Of course you do!
2. Look, I wasn't going to quote from my journal on the internet today when I woke up, alright? It's just that, this seems to be a good time for it.
Ahem:
It's funny how judgmental we all are, and how aware of my mind I am. I can't say I fully transcend it - and I'm not sure I'm interested in meditation anymore. Is that bad? Should I tell anyone? Nah, but if people ask, I do. I have meditated, I have been to therapy, and I have analyzed myself ad nauseum. The biggest tool I find is being in the present moment: asking, what does this moment need, and attending to it.
3. Do you think I'm fooling myself? Should I be googling Sharon Salzberg and searching out a cushion right now??
4. I love what you have said about everyone wanting to be happy, about being upset with young, successful artists, and about everyone doing their very best at every moment. According to Garrison Keillor, a man named Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once said:
"If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."
I believe that's true. And you know what? You ARE a hit pop music star, Amelia. Just turn to the evidence, when haters raise their hands.
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